Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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