Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
