final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
