You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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