yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
