I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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