oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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