dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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