Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
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