The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
im having a threesome with these popsicles
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
