At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
