I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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