he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
