I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
