i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
