i don't like sucking hair
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
