its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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