He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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