I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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