You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
