The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
