What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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