Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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