How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
