I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
