Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
