I'm gonna have a badass scar
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
