If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
