By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
