I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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