i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
