WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
