Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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