You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Pants are for mortals
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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