yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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