My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
