I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
