It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
