I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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