I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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