Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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