I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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