The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
