Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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