Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
