There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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