I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
