Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
