Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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