yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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