Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
