Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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