My cat gives me a boner
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
