today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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